Dr Joseph Chikelue Obi | Speedos-gate | Parliamentary Inquiry (3)
Dear Rt Hon Speaker ,
Thank you very much for the 3 SMS Mobile Phone Text Messages which were consecutively sent out to me over the past 5 hours , or so.
The first one flew in at 9.32 am , politely informing me that : The VIP Speedosgate Press Conference might be rescheduled .
The second one arrived at 10.49 am , strongly advising me that : The VIP Speedogate Press Conference is (very, very,very) likely to be postponed.
The third one descended at 11.14 am , diplomatically proclaiming : The VIP Speedoesgate Press Conference has now been totally cancelled altogether . Kindly check your email box for further details.
Although the term Speedos-gate was incorrectly spelt throughout the whole (immensely disappointing) SMS avalanche ; I shall warmly assume that we are talking about the very same subject , and swiftly proceed directly to the exceedingly surprising contents of your rather extensive email message.
According to your rather Educational Correspondence , both Lord Mandelson and Mr Hague have (since) now publicly hugged, kissed and made up (in full view of the Downing Street Cabinet Press Corps).
You also happily state that a Parliamentary Inquiry into this matter will not be in the Public's Financial Interest ; most especially at a time of Serious Economic Depression.
You additionally (and fundamentally) aver that there is therefore No Further Need (whatsoever) for a Speedos-gate Inquiry , as there is currently No Speedos-gate Scandal to investigate ; since William and Peter have now joyfully skipped off (hand-in-hand , like naughty little school boys) . . . way into the Sunset . . . seemingly without a single political care in the world.
Furthermore , I would like to put it on due record that I unflappably remain exceedingly grateful to be made privy to the Highly Classified Information which you (most graciously) provided in the form of a Joint Statement from Lord Mandelson and Mr Hague - which judiciously seems to gravely throw a massive veil of doubt upon the Foundational Legitimacy of whole Speedos-gate Scandal itself.
According to the Joint Statement (which was duly signed by both William and Peter) , Lord Mandelson has never ever (ever, ever) even worn Speedos in his life - in the very first place.
And neither has the Rt Hon Lord amorously (or otherwise) pranced around any Gay Brazilian Beaches either.
But (by far) the most shocking aspect of the whole Intimate Communique altogether , seemed to come when it categorically stated that Peter has actually always been a lifelong fan of a much more Controversial Male Underwear Chain . . . which unashamedly goes by the exceptionally alarming name of AussieBum !
Enough Said.
This whole Quagmire is getting far too dizzying for me to handle ; especially at my very old age indeed.
AussieBum , did they say ? Or are my human senses mischievously deceiving me ? Heaven help us if it be True !
They even went as far as sending me a photograph of one of the utterly outrageous AussieBum Adverts which have rapidly begun to appear at Bus-Stops throughout the United Kingdom - as if to firmly justify such an utterly provocative choice of Lurid Apparel.
Surely such Public Adverts of a Naked Man's Full Gluteus should be urgently banned from public view ; without much ado ?
Good Old Mary Whitehouse is probably angrily turning in her grave right now (as we speak).
Whatever happened to Decorum , Decency and Discipline ? Has the whole wide world gone Barking Mad , or Something ?
In any case, you are probably right. This Speedos-gate Inquiry will never ever seriously get off the ground , at this rate .
Especially not with all of these Obliviously Shameless AussieBum Adverts all over the place.
You are right : I cannot but therefore very much concur with your noble preliminary assessment that it is evidently wiser to peacefully let Sleeping Dogs lie - at least till long after the next few General Parliamentary Elections.
As it is totally obvious that AussieBum now seems to be the main culprit here , I candidly think that it would rightfully be fair enough to publicly announce to the Whole Wide World that Speedos Incorporated is hereby fully cleared and unconditionally acquitted of all implied (or assumed) involvement in this seriously worrying matter.
This Case is now permanently closed.
*NB : Please remember to completely anonymize the totality of this correspondence and officially file everything under the Top-Secret Heading of Speedos-gate - as I would not want anyone to publicly associate the highly unblemished name of either Joseph Obi or Joseph Chikelue Obi with this Immensely Scandalous Affair.
*By The Way . . . Happy April Fools Day : Hopefully , I won't have to painfully go through all this Unspeakably Lascivious Torture again - at least until the very same time next year.
Yours Faithfully,
Dr Joseph Chikelue Obi MBBS MPH FRCAM(Dublin)
Leader of Opposition against the General Medical Council
www.MedicalCouncil.co.uk